I tried out this new thing on my run this morning: I smiled and whispered “g’mornin” to every single runner and biker heading in the opposite direction as me on the Elliot Bay Trail. My run was more joyous, therefore, I will continue this gesture from now on.
After I kicked it off with my Coldplay opener, my ipod shuffled to “The Space Between”. A little Dave in my ears, a little rain trickling down the back of my neck, a little Puget Sound to my left, a little Space Needle to my right, a little Starbucks to congratulate me at my ending; I was just oozing Seattle. Sweating it, actually.
I heart Seattle. Big time. Whenever I leave for the weekend and am returning, and I make that slight bend around I-5 that exposes the indescribable skyline welcoming me home, I get nostalgic.
I hear many complaints about the gloomy weather; it never stops. The weather or the complaining. I am not one to let the weather determine my mood. You can have the same day if it’s raining out that you can have when it’s sunny out. It’s just a decision. Life is too short to let the forecast determine whether or not you are going to spend every waking moment as happy as possible. I actually prefer the rain. I get strongly perturbed when the Fremont and Ballard bridges are up every ten seconds on a cloudless day. I’ve got places to go, people. Mini gets very impatient, too.
Among various questions I pondered on my run this morning, one decision I came to is that I am locking the chastity belt on. Click. And giving the key to Amber. Because I trust her, and she keeps me grounded. As grounded as one can keep me. So logical, that one. She thinks with her head; I think with my heart. And with my pleasure-giving neurotransmitters.
I decided this because I looked back on the incredible relationship I had with James, and how we held off on sex until knowing each other on a very spiritual level. Our love was limitless before we introduced intimacy; I decided this would we the best approach with Luke, as I already cherish his friendship deeply. The email from my sister didn’t hurt, either. So wise, that one.
I then decided I need new double-a batteries, and perhaps a trip to Broadway.
I had a wonderful day yesterday that culminated in yet another wonderful night with Luke.
My day began, once again, with a run outside. My 6 and 7am’s had both cancelled, providing ample time for me to burn some calories in the fresh air before my 8am. Contrary to popular belief, running (without complementary strength training and diet), will not give you the body of your dreams. The reason it is so crucial to my training right now is because I need to strip size, and strip it fast. Especially off my legs. They’re friggin’ tree trunks. And running does that better than any cardio machine, in my professional opinion.
It was one of those runs that I wished had no time limit, but alas, it did, and I made it home with just barely enough time to get glamourous. I needed to be extra glamourous because later in the morning I was getting my photos taken to be a featured female entrepreneur in the next edition of Crave Seattle. It sure felt good to have a reason to doll-up my spandex with some teased hair, fake eyelashes and chunky jewelry. Once a pageant girl, always a pageant girl. The bigger the hair, the closer to God.
After the shoot and a few more lovelies, it was time for my weekly date with Liam, one of my massage therapists. He completely destroyed me with his deep tissue, as always, and left me slightly nauseous, as always. And, as always, I thanked him and let him know that was the most action I have gotten in, oh, nearly six weeks. I made him feel awkward with my comment, as always, and sent him on his way so I could conduct my next order of business; an owner’s meeting at Full Circle.
I wasn’t super absorbed in the meeting, because I was excitedly anticipating another date night with Sir Luke: yoga and movie. It’s tough to put on my business face when I’m a silly sally.
Luke suggested we see Eat. Pray. Love. after our hot yoga session. He also mentioned that he watched Pride and Prejudice that morning, by himself, just because. He simply enjoys drama and travel; I love his openness to just be. Just be, Luke.
I took it upon myself to get our tickets online before he could. I’m like that; I love treating when I can. Luke has been spoiling me lately, no doubt, and while I appreciate a man who will spend on his woman, I too, like to take care of my man. Nonetheless, chivalry is not dead. Oh, hell no.
We poured out sweat and contorted our bodies in fabulous ways together at yoga. When the class was over, he said he was admiring my body; how the curves glistened in the poses. Aw, hope again, for the chance that he may want to admire it more closely later on. We then returned to his home to shower (separately, mind you). He made sure my tummy was well-fed with protein goodness, and then I jazzed myself up with a long, curve-hugging, cotton dress and bling bling to match. He said he felt underdressed; I said get used to it. If I’m not in spandex, I’m dressed to the nines. It’s the extremeness coming out of me again.
As I was buckling on my sassylicious stilettos, he commented that he has a fetish for shoes; especially when they are the only thing a woman is wearing. I quickly diminished the lovely fantasy brewing in my mind. “Keep your pants on!”, the angel on my shoulder told me. Funny thing was, I wasn’t wearing pants. Not even panties. Forgot to pack ‘em. Standard.
Hand in hand, we entered the theater and walked by the speakeasy-ish bar inside. We already discussed and agreed that my alcohol intake is done until October. Competition is way too close. And I’m still way not lean enough. No more f-ing around. We found our seats and then Luke excused himself, only to return with two fine shots of tequila. Boy, does he know me well.
I was amused that Luke wanted to get liquor in my system. Normally, a man will keep a drink in my hand at all times to up his chances of bringing me home. But I knew this was not the case with Luke, as his intentions with me have been made screamingly loud and clear. What’s funny is that I offered to keep buying HIM drinks, as I wanted to up my chances for fireworks at the end of the night. He turned me down; this boy was totally on to me. I am such a dude sometimes.
We cozied up, held hands, and rubbed thighs during the movie. I felt so close and comfortable with him; can’t believe I’ve only known him ten days.
The movie was about a woman who lost all fire for life, so she peaced out, ditched her material possessions, and searched for deeper meaning through her travels. To learn all over again. To find passion again. To love again. It didn’t surprise me one bit that Luke wanted to see this movie; it is comparable to his plans for Australia.
We returned to his place after the movie and clinked our protein blender bottles to cheers to our lovely night. And I ate a few spoonfuls of natural peanut butter. Whoopsies.
He then walked me to my car, and sent me on my way with a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I felt slightly defeated, but made my way home. I tried to shake the defeat with a dirty text about me wearing only those shoes, but no response. I decided he must be asleep already.
After my run this morning, I hustled my ass to make it to a meeting with a local entrepreneurship mastermind. My partner and I met with him to discuss the financials of Full Circle; we began discussing our income statement, balance sheet, and cash flow. I reverted to the knowledge I had gained in these areas at the U, but, unfortunately, it was during these lessons that I was either a) hungover as all hell, or b) too busy daydreaming to give a shit. I never skipped classes, but I was rarely immersed in any class. Unless the prof was a looker.
It was during this meeting that I received a good morning email from Luke; I made the mistake of checking it during the meeting. The words on the email made my jaw drop, my heart fall out of my chest, and my stomach crumble. I struggled immensely to keep myself on planet earth for the last twenty minutes of the meeting.
The email went a little something like this:
“So this conversation we've been having about sex and why I'm not equally as eager to tear off your clothes as you are mine...Well, you know how you mentioned in your blog that you thought I might be gay...I'm NOT! (had you for a minute there didn't I?) Very sorry about all the comedy/levity, but I'm really trying to keep this light hearted. Anyways, I've wracked my brain on what the hell is up, because it's true that I think you have an AMAZING body, an incredibly smack-able ass, you're very pretty, vivacious, and bubbly, kind, generous, you seem to like the food I cook, AND peanut butter (huge points for that!), you’re fun.....and even SEXY! And yet despite all these fabulous things about you, I really am struggling to feel sexual energy toward you. I just don't really feel it. There. I've gone and said it. I really wish I could, but unfortunately, chemistry just isn't something that can be manufactured or wished into existence. If that was the case, I would manifest it, trust me. I see the disappointment in your eyes every time we hug and kiss goodnight- a feeling that you want a deeper something (that I'm not able to deliver), and know that you're feeling let down each time. I don't want to let you down, Angie. You totally want and deserve a guy who cannot keep his paws off of you! You're f*cking hot! That's the glue that holds all the other stuff together.
Now let me tell you what I DON’T want. I don't want to stop hanging out with you! I love love love our time together and feel like you and I will be extremely close friends, if you'll allow it. We have so damn much in common, and the affection I feel for you is like that of a close friend and a sister. Seriously! I'm not sure how you're going to take this, or if you'll feel the same way about wanting to maintain a friendship, but I promise you this, I will be a true friend to you, will jump through hoops to help you if you ever need it, and I will ALWAYS have your back. That's no bullshit. I'm crazy loyal like that.
Just like that guy in that film said, everyone we encounter in life is our teacher, and I am very happy to make your acquaintance, Angie Lewis! I bet there is a lot that we can learn from each other, if we give our friendship a chance. I admire your enthusiasm, your good nature, and your can-do attitude (AND your ability to say F- it and live in the moment when you want to. That's so rare.) I'm aware that we may be in different spaces in our lives right now, and whatever you decide, I respect you. Call me selfish, but I really want you to be a part of my inner-circle posse, and I want to be a part of yours ;-) I hope you agree.”
I have never, ever experienced this response from a man. Ever. Once, a frat boy I was into told me he was only attracted to blondes; I called bullshit on that one. And made him like me, regardless. Key word: made. I come on strong. So sue me.
Initially upon reading this, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Bummed? Definitely. Rejected? Maybe. Shocked? Not really.
It simply was too good to be true; thus, I was not shocked. Luke, as I previously mentioned, instantly captivated me. So much in common, it blew my mind. His goddamn Jude Law-ish looks, and those James Dean glossy eyes. Just. Too. Good.
I called Luke and agreed that giving up our friendship would be too much of a loss; he is cooking dinner for us tomorrow night. I momentarily wished he would’ve just let me get on my knees and convince him that he surely could feel something. Oh, you better believe he would’ve felt something. But, nah, it’s time to retreat. And be a good friend.
He was right about one thing, though. He did break my heart, just as he said he would. I didn’t expect it quite so quickly. But he did it quicker to lessen the pain, because that’s the kind of guy he is.
I was en route to my gymnastics lesson when we ended the call; I turned on “Love the Way You Lie” and let it out. Loud, choking, gasping sobs. Partially from the situation with Luke, partially because I’m still PMSing. Little mother f-er (PMS, not Luke). The last time I can remember crying like that is when I made the final call to end things with Apollo. It was bad; I was hoping my neighbors wouldn’t come check on me to see if I was dying.
Found out what was bothering Apollo at the gym that lonely Saturday night. Turns out, he did something awful to someone in his inner circle. Doesn’t surprise me. I began to think of the awful things he was capable of doing to me during our time as a couple, but I quickly decided it’s not good for my soul to think of the possibilities. Thank you, Jesus, for protecting my heart so that my ability to love whole-heartedly and willingness to trust unconditionally were not damaged from that relationship.
I didn’t feel like a celebrity leaving gymnastics today; I had my sunroof popped and my aviators on, but this time, instead of covering up my tired, hungover eyes like last week, they were covering my sad, puffy eyes. Instead of my Swagga playlist, I clicked on my Gameface playlist. I blasted “On to the Next One” and instantly felt empowered. On to da next, on on to da next.
So, here I am, typing away, alone on a Friday night, re-focusing my thoughts and goals. Yet again, I am crushless. And yet again, it surely won’t last long, given my track record.
Just got a text from Justin, my perfect rebound, inviting me out in Belltown. Random nation; haven’t heard from him in months. I haven’t responded.
My to-do list is so overwhelming, I don’t even know where to begin. Obviously, writing this blog beat out updating Full Circle’s business plan, returning emails, and paying bills. Priorities, people.
Ciao for now!
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